1 00:00:02,271 --> 00:00:04,139 Hey. I just passed Luna bar. 2 00:00:04,173 --> 00:00:06,141 There is a line outside the door. 3 00:00:06,175 --> 00:00:07,976 Man, ever since they got this great review 4 00:00:08,010 --> 00:00:10,011 in the Pittsburgh Reader, they've been packed. 5 00:00:10,046 --> 00:00:11,479 We need to get in that magazine. 6 00:00:11,514 --> 00:00:13,982 Forget it. They want hip and trendy. 7 00:00:14,016 --> 00:00:15,216 That's not us. 8 00:00:15,218 --> 00:00:17,178 I disagree. We're young and hip. 9 00:00:17,186 --> 00:00:19,754 Is this mole changing shape? 10 00:00:19,789 --> 00:00:20,922 I thought it was the other arm. 11 00:00:20,957 --> 00:00:23,325 Oh, crap. You're right. 12 00:00:23,359 --> 00:00:25,427 We're getting in that magazine. 13 00:00:25,461 --> 00:00:27,762 I'm just so tired of getting by 14 00:00:27,797 --> 00:00:29,064 and living month-to-month. 15 00:00:29,098 --> 00:00:30,365 You know, I want to get ahead of the game. 16 00:00:30,399 --> 00:00:31,967 I want some security. 17 00:00:32,001 --> 00:00:33,835 I need this bar to be a success. 18 00:00:33,870 --> 00:00:34,970 You know what would be perfect? 19 00:00:35,004 --> 00:00:36,271 If we invited Patrick Ledirk 20 00:00:36,305 --> 00:00:37,305 to the open-mike night. 21 00:00:37,340 --> 00:00:38,907 That's a fantastic idea. 22 00:00:38,941 --> 00:00:41,176 Who the hell is Patrick Ledirk? 23 00:00:41,210 --> 00:00:43,311 He writes the bar reviews for the Pittsburgh Reader. 24 00:00:43,346 --> 00:00:45,013 He loves live entertainment. 25 00:00:45,047 --> 00:00:47,115 I'll just line up some great acts that will blow him away. 26 00:00:47,149 --> 00:00:49,050 If all that fails, we'll do it the old-fashioned way. 27 00:00:49,085 --> 00:00:52,053 We'll get him drunk off his ass, take compromising photos. 28 00:00:52,088 --> 00:00:54,823 Next thing you know, we're in the magazine. 29 00:00:54,857 --> 00:00:56,524 I got your first act right here. 30 00:00:56,559 --> 00:00:58,260 I busted out the old magic kit. 31 00:00:58,294 --> 00:00:59,461 You do magic? 32 00:00:59,495 --> 00:01:01,162 Oh, yeah. I was big back in the day. 33 00:01:01,197 --> 00:01:04,399 I used to play to sold-out crowds at Radio city. 34 00:01:04,433 --> 00:01:05,967 - In New York? - No, no. 35 00:01:06,002 --> 00:01:08,303 The electronics store next to the Sunoco station. 36 00:01:09,772 --> 00:01:11,406 So that's what, a sell-out crowd of 15 people? 37 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:12,841 [Chuckles] 38 00:01:12,875 --> 00:01:14,042 You know, I didn't quite hear you, Roy. 39 00:01:14,076 --> 00:01:15,944 Seems like I've got something, uh... 40 00:01:15,978 --> 00:01:18,013 But what the hell was that in my ear? 41 00:01:18,047 --> 00:01:19,781 - Wow! - Wow! 42 00:01:19,815 --> 00:01:21,016 You're like the clown 43 00:01:21,050 --> 00:01:22,317 that performed at my 8th birthday party 44 00:01:22,351 --> 00:01:24,286 and then moved in with us for two months. 45 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:27,188 You know, Owen, I can't understand you with your mouth full. 46 00:01:29,191 --> 00:01:31,226 Whoa! 47 00:01:31,260 --> 00:01:33,260 I don't even remember eating that! 48 00:01:33,262 --> 00:01:35,063 Hank, you're in. 49 00:01:35,097 --> 00:01:37,432 Am I your star? Your bright, shining star? 50 00:01:37,466 --> 00:01:39,386 If you can stay up that late. 51 00:01:40,069 --> 00:01:41,903 I thought you were looking for hip and trendy, 52 00:01:41,938 --> 00:01:44,940 unless you meant replacement hip and trendy. 53 00:01:44,974 --> 00:01:46,841 Dad. Dad, think about it. 54 00:01:46,876 --> 00:01:49,177 We're retro. We're so old, we're new. 55 00:01:49,211 --> 00:01:51,079 And how many places still reek of cigarettes 56 00:01:51,113 --> 00:01:53,982 six years after they banned smoking? 57 00:01:54,016 --> 00:01:56,952 Hey, does anybody else have a talent besides Hank? 58 00:01:56,986 --> 00:01:58,853 I can make a ham. 59 00:01:58,888 --> 00:02:00,322 On stage? 60 00:02:00,356 --> 00:02:01,423 Yeah. Are you kidding me? 61 00:02:01,457 --> 00:02:03,124 People beg me for the recipe. 62 00:02:03,159 --> 00:02:04,326 I don't know. How long does that take? 63 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,261 About three hours. 64 00:02:06,295 --> 00:02:08,430 I don't know that people are gonna sit that long and watch you cook. 65 00:02:08,464 --> 00:02:10,464 Well, I'm not compromising my ham. 66 00:02:11,434 --> 00:02:13,101 [Sarcastically] Oh, no. 67 00:02:13,135 --> 00:02:14,736 What are we gonna do without Roy's three-hour ham act? 68 00:02:14,770 --> 00:02:16,738 You laugh now. 69 00:02:16,772 --> 00:02:19,174 But you'll be begging for my meat. 70 00:02:21,654 --> 00:02:24,654 sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com 71 00:02:24,780 --> 00:02:28,483 ♪ Da da da da, da da da, da, da da ♪ 72 00:02:28,517 --> 00:02:32,821 ♪ da, da da da, da da da ♪ 73 00:02:32,855 --> 00:02:36,925 ♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da ♪ 74 00:02:36,959 --> 00:02:42,497 ♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! ♪ 75 00:02:42,531 --> 00:02:45,767 Hey, guys. Look what I won at work. 76 00:02:45,801 --> 00:02:48,036 "Accountant of the year." Congrats! 77 00:02:48,070 --> 00:02:49,771 Hey! Way to go, hon! 78 00:02:49,805 --> 00:02:51,272 I'm gonna go show mom. 79 00:02:51,307 --> 00:02:53,108 Whoa. You're never gonna get her approval. 80 00:02:53,142 --> 00:02:54,843 I know that. 81 00:02:54,877 --> 00:02:56,945 But I'm feeling so good today that even she can't get to me. 82 00:02:56,979 --> 00:02:58,213 And whatever she gives, 83 00:02:58,247 --> 00:02:59,547 I'm gonna give it right back to her. 84 00:02:59,582 --> 00:03:03,251 Well, my money's on her, but I'm rooting for you. 85 00:03:03,285 --> 00:03:05,453 Hey, mom. Look at this award I won. 86 00:03:05,488 --> 00:03:06,988 Oh. [Chuckles] 87 00:03:07,023 --> 00:03:09,724 Plywood and plastic. 88 00:03:09,759 --> 00:03:11,993 Real awards are made of gold 89 00:03:12,028 --> 00:03:14,429 or the skulls of your enemies. 90 00:03:16,899 --> 00:03:18,366 [As Ok Cha] Real awards are made 91 00:03:18,401 --> 00:03:20,001 from the skulls of your enemies. 92 00:03:20,036 --> 00:03:22,237 [Laughter] 93 00:03:22,271 --> 00:03:23,772 That's totally your mom! 94 00:03:23,806 --> 00:03:26,274 You imitating me? 95 00:03:26,308 --> 00:03:28,076 You imitating me? 96 00:03:28,110 --> 00:03:30,178 [Laughter] 97 00:03:33,082 --> 00:03:35,016 I don't walk like that. 98 00:03:35,051 --> 00:03:37,218 Pay your bar tabs now 99 00:03:37,253 --> 00:03:40,422 or I break your windpipe with my pinky. 100 00:03:40,456 --> 00:03:42,023 [Laughter] 101 00:03:42,058 --> 00:03:43,425 It's dead-on! 102 00:03:43,459 --> 00:03:44,926 It's really good. 103 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:47,495 And I'm gonna miss you. 104 00:03:47,530 --> 00:03:49,230 You think this is funny? 105 00:03:49,265 --> 00:03:51,232 Well, it's not funny funny. 106 00:03:51,267 --> 00:03:53,034 Why are we out of olives? 107 00:03:53,069 --> 00:03:55,770 Don't encourage my daughter. 108 00:03:55,805 --> 00:03:57,839 - Stop that. - You stop that. 109 00:03:57,873 --> 00:03:59,941 - I'm warning you. - I'm warning you. 110 00:03:59,975 --> 00:04:01,309 - Silence! - Silence! 111 00:04:01,343 --> 00:04:02,510 [Laughter] 112 00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:06,347 It looks like things are going pretty well 113 00:04:06,382 --> 00:04:07,348 for you and Nicolette. 114 00:04:07,383 --> 00:04:08,817 It's insane. 115 00:04:08,851 --> 00:04:09,851 We can't keep our hands off each other. 116 00:04:09,885 --> 00:04:11,252 She's very pretty. 117 00:04:11,287 --> 00:04:13,287 I have never been on a streak like this in my life. 118 00:04:13,289 --> 00:04:14,923 All we do is have sex. 119 00:04:14,957 --> 00:04:16,257 Sex and then more sex. 120 00:04:16,292 --> 00:04:17,392 And you know what we do after that? 121 00:04:17,426 --> 00:04:18,460 Sex. 122 00:04:18,494 --> 00:04:21,196 No. We eat sandwiches. 123 00:04:21,230 --> 00:04:23,998 God, Steve, you have such a one-track mind. 124 00:04:24,033 --> 00:04:25,767 Yeah, I'm a sick puppy. 125 00:04:25,801 --> 00:04:27,469 Hey, did you hear the great news? 126 00:04:27,503 --> 00:04:30,138 My mom and I have an act for your open-Mike night. 127 00:04:30,172 --> 00:04:31,506 Well, uh, I don't know about that, Owen. 128 00:04:31,540 --> 00:04:32,907 This is a huge night for me. 129 00:04:32,942 --> 00:04:34,075 Be... besides, we're going with acts 130 00:04:34,110 --> 00:04:35,176 that are a little more retro. 131 00:04:35,211 --> 00:04:36,377 Then this is perfect. 132 00:04:36,412 --> 00:04:37,879 We pay tribute to American cinema 133 00:04:37,913 --> 00:04:40,081 by re-creating classic movie scenes. 134 00:04:40,116 --> 00:04:42,250 You want to make some movie magic? 135 00:04:42,284 --> 00:04:43,818 You know it. 136 00:04:43,853 --> 00:04:45,887 And... 137 00:04:45,921 --> 00:04:47,222 Action! 138 00:04:47,256 --> 00:04:53,928 ♪ Oh, my love... ♪ 139 00:04:53,963 --> 00:04:56,363 Oh, God, I hope this isn't going where I think it's going. 140 00:04:57,867 --> 00:05:00,034 Oh, it's going. 141 00:05:00,069 --> 00:05:05,240 ♪ Lo-o-o-o-o-ve ♪ 142 00:05:06,275 --> 00:05:13,181 ♪ I need your love ♪ 143 00:05:13,215 --> 00:05:17,051 ♪ I, I need ♪ 144 00:05:17,086 --> 00:05:18,419 Stop, stop, stop, stop! 145 00:05:18,454 --> 00:05:20,054 Owen: Nailed it, right? 146 00:05:20,089 --> 00:05:22,449 No, actually, I stopped it before the nailing part. 147 00:05:23,392 --> 00:05:26,728 It looked like you were gonna... do it with your mom. 148 00:05:26,762 --> 00:05:27,862 That's impossible. 149 00:05:27,897 --> 00:05:28,997 I'm a ghost. 150 00:05:29,031 --> 00:05:30,999 I can't even touch her. 151 00:05:31,033 --> 00:05:32,867 I feel sorry for you, Steve. 152 00:05:32,902 --> 00:05:34,769 You have no imagination. 153 00:05:34,803 --> 00:05:37,163 Anyone else would have loved it. 154 00:05:37,806 --> 00:05:40,441 Wow, babe. You look blown away. 155 00:05:40,476 --> 00:05:42,076 I am. 156 00:05:42,111 --> 00:05:43,811 Yeah, it was really strange watching you and your mom 157 00:05:43,846 --> 00:05:45,313 do that stuff together with the clay. 158 00:05:45,347 --> 00:05:46,781 It's called "chemistry." 159 00:05:46,815 --> 00:05:47,916 It's called "weird." 160 00:05:47,950 --> 00:05:50,070 It's called "punishable by law." 161 00:05:51,053 --> 00:05:52,320 I have to tell you something. 162 00:05:52,354 --> 00:05:54,389 Watching that was really a turn-off. 163 00:05:54,423 --> 00:05:56,758 You mean like, turn off the lights, and let's have sex? 164 00:05:56,792 --> 00:05:59,194 No. Like turn on the lights and call me a cab. 165 00:05:59,228 --> 00:06:00,828 And then we have sex in the cab. 166 00:06:00,863 --> 00:06:02,764 No. No sex... period. 167 00:06:02,798 --> 00:06:04,966 Right now, I don't want to go anywhere near you. 168 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,735 My mom and I won't do the movie stuff anymore. 169 00:06:07,770 --> 00:06:09,103 I'll talk to her, okay? 170 00:06:09,138 --> 00:06:10,438 That's a good start. 171 00:06:10,472 --> 00:06:13,007 Madam, I am now going to help you forget 172 00:06:13,042 --> 00:06:14,742 everything that you've just seen. 173 00:06:14,777 --> 00:06:18,046 When I clap my hands, you will go into a deep sleep. 174 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:21,282 One, two, three. 175 00:06:21,317 --> 00:06:22,951 [Claps hands] 176 00:06:26,822 --> 00:06:28,356 Holy shit! It works! 177 00:06:35,667 --> 00:06:37,134 Hank, what are you doing? That's, uh, 25-year-old scotch. 178 00:06:37,169 --> 00:06:41,539 Oh, just a little something from back in the day. 179 00:06:42,274 --> 00:06:45,276 Now, as you can see, this is a solid-oak bar. 180 00:06:46,845 --> 00:06:47,945 Whoa. 181 00:06:47,980 --> 00:06:49,714 [Chuckling] That's amazing! 182 00:06:49,748 --> 00:06:51,182 Hank, you are my star. 183 00:06:51,216 --> 00:06:52,249 You're leading off the night. 184 00:06:52,284 --> 00:06:54,185 As it should be. 185 00:06:54,219 --> 00:06:55,987 Hank, I need the scotch back. 186 00:06:56,021 --> 00:06:58,255 Uh, I never learned the "bringing it back" part. 187 00:06:58,290 --> 00:07:00,458 [Cellphone chimes] 188 00:07:00,492 --> 00:07:02,727 Oh, God. It's my wife. 189 00:07:02,761 --> 00:07:04,128 She wants me to bring home tampons. 190 00:07:04,162 --> 00:07:06,764 Hey, Hank, can you make her disappear? 191 00:07:06,798 --> 00:07:09,567 No, no. I'm more of a showman. 192 00:07:13,639 --> 00:07:15,806 You know what the act could really use 193 00:07:15,841 --> 00:07:17,608 is a pretty assistant. 194 00:07:17,643 --> 00:07:19,010 Someone to complement my act 195 00:07:19,044 --> 00:07:22,213 with charm, sophistication, tits. 196 00:07:22,247 --> 00:07:23,648 Hey, guys. 197 00:07:23,682 --> 00:07:24,949 Steve: Hey. Melanie! 198 00:07:24,983 --> 00:07:26,083 You know, Hank's looking for an assistant 199 00:07:26,118 --> 00:07:27,652 for his magic act. 200 00:07:27,686 --> 00:07:29,620 How'd you like to get into show business, kid? 201 00:07:29,655 --> 00:07:31,622 You'd really class up the act. 202 00:07:31,657 --> 00:07:33,824 Thanks, Hank. Sure. I'll do it. 203 00:07:33,859 --> 00:07:36,100 Well, here's your costume. 204 00:07:36,828 --> 00:07:37,962 I am not wearing that. 205 00:07:37,996 --> 00:07:39,897 Okay. I understand. 206 00:07:39,931 --> 00:07:42,166 It's just that the last person to wear this 207 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:43,534 was my departed wife. 208 00:07:43,568 --> 00:07:44,902 I had always hoped that someday, 209 00:07:44,936 --> 00:07:47,038 I'd see another pretty woman in it. 210 00:07:47,072 --> 00:07:48,839 [Sniffles] It's okay. 211 00:07:48,874 --> 00:07:50,808 Her memory doesn't need to be honored. 212 00:07:50,842 --> 00:07:53,644 Aw, Hank, uh, of course I'll do it. 213 00:07:53,679 --> 00:07:54,745 Okay! 214 00:07:56,248 --> 00:07:58,883 Hank, your wife never wore that outfit, did she? 215 00:07:58,917 --> 00:08:00,751 If you ever want to see your expensive scotch again, 216 00:08:00,786 --> 00:08:03,186 you'll mind your own business. 217 00:08:04,056 --> 00:08:05,723 Hey, Steve, Roy and I decided 218 00:08:05,757 --> 00:08:07,124 what we're going to do for open-mike night. 219 00:08:07,159 --> 00:08:08,492 Bobo belinski. 220 00:08:08,527 --> 00:08:09,593 No. 221 00:08:09,628 --> 00:08:11,028 Come on. It's a crowd pleaser. 222 00:08:11,063 --> 00:08:12,897 Yeah, when we were 12 and you did it at camp. 223 00:08:12,931 --> 00:08:15,132 Yeah, how do you think I got to feel up Grace Daniels? 224 00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:17,201 The camp nurse? She was 62. 225 00:08:17,235 --> 00:08:19,603 Hey, a kill's a kill. 226 00:08:19,638 --> 00:08:22,139 Come on. Let us do bobo belinski. 227 00:08:22,174 --> 00:08:24,008 It's retro and trendy. 228 00:08:24,042 --> 00:08:26,610 Fine. I'll sign you up. I left the list upstairs. 229 00:08:26,645 --> 00:08:28,646 Steve, the list is right there. That's a different list. 230 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:29,960 It says "open-mike sign up list." 231 00:08:29,981 --> 00:08:31,749 Oh, there it is. Yeah. I'll sign you up. 232 00:08:31,783 --> 00:08:32,783 I'll see you guys Sunday. 233 00:08:32,818 --> 00:08:33,984 Steve, open-mike's tonight. 234 00:08:34,019 --> 00:08:35,486 Tonight. I'll see you guys at 11:00. 235 00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:37,440 It starts at 8:00. Right. 8:00. Of course. 236 00:08:38,557 --> 00:08:39,757 Hey, mom? 237 00:08:39,791 --> 00:08:40,825 Yeah, sweetie. 238 00:08:40,859 --> 00:08:42,259 I need to tell you something, 239 00:08:42,294 --> 00:08:43,894 but I don't know how you're gonna react. 240 00:08:43,929 --> 00:08:46,897 I'm on a total sex bender with Nicolette. 241 00:08:46,932 --> 00:08:49,633 Oh, that's my favorite kind of bender. 242 00:08:49,668 --> 00:08:51,635 When Nicolette saw us do our "ghost" thing, 243 00:08:51,670 --> 00:08:53,504 she didn't like it. 244 00:08:53,538 --> 00:08:55,172 It's gonna kill my run. 245 00:08:55,207 --> 00:08:57,541 If we perform, I don't get to perform. 246 00:08:57,576 --> 00:08:58,876 Case closed. 247 00:08:58,910 --> 00:09:02,680 You go home and hit that like a piñata! 248 00:09:02,714 --> 00:09:04,749 Yes, ma'am. 249 00:09:04,783 --> 00:09:07,451 Hey, I got another one. 250 00:09:07,486 --> 00:09:09,987 What's the difference between Godzilla and mom? 251 00:09:10,021 --> 00:09:13,691 Godzilla has less teeth and still speaks better English. 252 00:09:13,725 --> 00:09:15,459 [Laughter] 253 00:09:15,494 --> 00:09:17,628 Wow. I've never seen this side of you, Susan. 254 00:09:17,662 --> 00:09:19,063 You're really funny. 255 00:09:19,097 --> 00:09:20,598 Hey. You know, you should do open-mike night. 256 00:09:20,632 --> 00:09:22,133 Really? 257 00:09:22,167 --> 00:09:23,234 You'd really be helping me out. 258 00:09:23,268 --> 00:09:24,802 People love comedy. 259 00:09:24,836 --> 00:09:27,004 You could help me really make this a big hit. 260 00:09:27,038 --> 00:09:28,739 Then I'd love to! 261 00:09:28,774 --> 00:09:30,608 Great. I'll sign you up. [Chuckles] 262 00:09:30,642 --> 00:09:33,477 Yeah. For her, you'll find the list. 263 00:09:33,512 --> 00:09:34,979 You're doing comedy? 264 00:09:35,013 --> 00:09:36,614 That's right, mom. 265 00:09:36,648 --> 00:09:37,648 Really? 266 00:09:37,682 --> 00:09:39,150 What's your act about? 267 00:09:39,184 --> 00:09:40,618 Here's a hint. 268 00:09:40,652 --> 00:09:46,023 [As Ok Cha] It's not about my father. 269 00:09:46,057 --> 00:09:50,927 Why did I move to a country that allows more than one child? 270 00:09:58,736 --> 00:09:59,903 You done good Steve. Place is buzzing. We got a packed house. 271 00:09:59,937 --> 00:10:01,238 I know, and if we get a good review, 272 00:10:01,272 --> 00:10:03,206 it's gonna be like this every night. 273 00:10:03,241 --> 00:10:04,908 The guy from the Pittsburgh Reader's here... 274 00:10:04,942 --> 00:10:06,243 Patrick Ledirk. 275 00:10:06,277 --> 00:10:07,511 Fantastic. 276 00:10:07,545 --> 00:10:09,646 Hey, Patrick, welcome to Sullivan and son. 277 00:10:09,681 --> 00:10:11,882 I got a V.I.P. table for you right over here. 278 00:10:11,916 --> 00:10:13,617 I assume you don't have free wi-fi, 279 00:10:13,651 --> 00:10:15,752 but please tell me you have somewhere I can plug in my car. 280 00:10:15,787 --> 00:10:17,888 We do have wi-fi. The network name is "Starbucks." 281 00:10:17,922 --> 00:10:19,523 Can I get you something to drink? 282 00:10:19,557 --> 00:10:21,458 Uh, I'll take a gluten-free beer 283 00:10:21,492 --> 00:10:23,660 in a kosher glass with locally-sourced ice. 284 00:10:23,695 --> 00:10:25,762 Wow, this guy is hip. 285 00:10:25,797 --> 00:10:27,698 Wow. That was amazing. 286 00:10:27,732 --> 00:10:28,965 I know. 287 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,367 Usually when I have sex in the bathroom, 288 00:10:30,401 --> 00:10:31,968 I'm by myself. 289 00:10:32,003 --> 00:10:33,603 I'd drag you right back in there, 290 00:10:33,638 --> 00:10:34,971 but my brother's gonna be here any minute. 291 00:10:35,006 --> 00:10:36,907 I can't wait to meet him. 292 00:10:36,941 --> 00:10:38,375 Oh, this is so bittersweet. 293 00:10:38,409 --> 00:10:40,010 I mean, I'm thrilled 294 00:10:40,044 --> 00:10:43,447 that he's having sex in bathroom stalls. 295 00:10:43,481 --> 00:10:46,917 I'm just crushed that we can't do our act together. 296 00:10:46,951 --> 00:10:49,653 Maybe this can help. 297 00:10:50,588 --> 00:10:52,622 Oops. That was supposed to be flowers. 298 00:10:52,657 --> 00:10:54,658 [Chuckles] 299 00:10:54,692 --> 00:10:55,859 Hey, sis. 300 00:10:55,893 --> 00:10:57,427 Eric! Oh! 301 00:10:57,462 --> 00:10:59,596 And you must be "the big o." 302 00:10:59,630 --> 00:11:00,697 I am. 303 00:11:00,732 --> 00:11:01,865 It's nice to finally meet you, 304 00:11:01,899 --> 00:11:04,140 slammin' hot girlfriend's brother. 305 00:11:04,602 --> 00:11:06,370 So, Owen, I hear you and my sister 306 00:11:06,404 --> 00:11:08,338 are having a really good time together. 307 00:11:08,373 --> 00:11:10,207 Yeah, we are. 308 00:11:10,241 --> 00:11:11,808 And the seven orgasms you gave her the other night? 309 00:11:11,843 --> 00:11:13,310 That's a record! 310 00:11:13,344 --> 00:11:15,784 - Sorry? - Don't be. You're a stud. 311 00:11:17,915 --> 00:11:19,349 Wait a minute. 312 00:11:19,384 --> 00:11:21,251 You guys talk about all the sex stuff we do? 313 00:11:21,285 --> 00:11:22,419 Of course. He's my brother. 314 00:11:22,453 --> 00:11:23,820 We tell each other everything. 315 00:11:23,855 --> 00:11:25,255 And here's something she's a little shy to tell you. 316 00:11:25,289 --> 00:11:26,890 Don't be afraid to work the fun bags. 317 00:11:26,924 --> 00:11:28,485 You know what I'm saying, buddy. 318 00:11:29,927 --> 00:11:32,295 You dog. You sick dog! 319 00:11:32,330 --> 00:11:33,930 [Barks, howls] 320 00:11:33,965 --> 00:11:34,931 Up top! 321 00:11:34,966 --> 00:11:36,266 Whoo! 322 00:11:37,735 --> 00:11:40,370 You okay with Susan telling all those jokes about you? 323 00:11:40,405 --> 00:11:42,839 There's no way I'm letting her get on that stage. 324 00:11:42,874 --> 00:11:44,274 Why not? 325 00:11:44,308 --> 00:11:45,675 Can't you just support Susan for a change? 326 00:11:45,710 --> 00:11:46,877 I'm very supportive. 327 00:11:46,911 --> 00:11:49,012 When she wanted to learn how to sew, 328 00:11:49,046 --> 00:11:51,815 who sent her to her uncle's factory in Andong 329 00:11:51,849 --> 00:11:53,350 for the whole summer? 330 00:11:54,685 --> 00:11:55,919 I'd like to welcome everybody 331 00:11:55,953 --> 00:11:58,522 to Sullivan and son's open-mike night! 332 00:11:58,556 --> 00:12:00,390 [Cheers and applause] 333 00:12:00,425 --> 00:12:02,459 And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to welcome to the stage 334 00:12:02,493 --> 00:12:03,794 Mr. Hank Murphy... 335 00:12:03,828 --> 00:12:05,929 Not only one of Pittsburgh's greatest magicians, 336 00:12:05,963 --> 00:12:09,533 but he's also puked in all three of our rivers! 337 00:12:09,567 --> 00:12:11,635 [Cheers and applause] [Vaudeville music plays on stereo] 338 00:12:11,669 --> 00:12:13,203 Welcome! Welcome! 339 00:12:13,237 --> 00:12:15,639 Also, please welcome my lovely assistant, 340 00:12:15,673 --> 00:12:18,742 the mystic Melanie! 341 00:12:18,776 --> 00:12:20,343 [Cheers and applause] 342 00:12:22,613 --> 00:12:25,749 My first trick comes to us from Mexico. 343 00:12:25,783 --> 00:12:27,918 "Las tres copas." 344 00:12:27,952 --> 00:12:31,621 Uno, dos, tres. 345 00:12:31,656 --> 00:12:35,225 Now, let's call our first cup "Juan." 346 00:12:35,259 --> 00:12:36,493 Aha! 347 00:12:36,527 --> 00:12:37,661 Juan. 348 00:12:37,695 --> 00:12:40,564 Let's call our second cup "Maria." 349 00:12:40,598 --> 00:12:43,300 And let us put them both together. 350 00:12:43,334 --> 00:12:44,768 Let's say "hola" 351 00:12:44,802 --> 00:12:47,471 to the illegal Gonzalez family! 352 00:12:50,808 --> 00:12:53,510 I am the great supremo blanco! 353 00:12:54,846 --> 00:12:58,582 And now I'm going to take an ordinary dollar bill 354 00:12:58,616 --> 00:13:00,250 and fold it. 355 00:13:00,284 --> 00:13:01,818 And will you blow on that, please? 356 00:13:02,820 --> 00:13:04,287 And now, as I unfold it, 357 00:13:04,322 --> 00:13:07,457 it has magically turned into a $100 bill! 358 00:13:07,492 --> 00:13:08,758 Woman: Yeah! 359 00:13:08,793 --> 00:13:11,361 Our Jewish friends love this trick. 360 00:13:16,434 --> 00:13:18,802 Susan, I need you to go on sooner. 361 00:13:18,836 --> 00:13:20,637 You ready? You bet. 362 00:13:21,272 --> 00:13:22,339 Hank: And now, mystic Melanie, 363 00:13:22,373 --> 00:13:24,493 would you please tap the deck? 364 00:13:25,009 --> 00:13:26,309 Now, remember... 365 00:13:26,344 --> 00:13:28,745 When a spade... 366 00:13:28,779 --> 00:13:31,615 Walks into a club... 367 00:13:31,649 --> 00:13:33,016 Hide your diamonds. 368 00:13:35,386 --> 00:13:36,953 Oh, no, I didn't! 369 00:13:36,988 --> 00:13:40,991 And... and, of course, all cards are created equal. 370 00:13:43,794 --> 00:13:46,229 That's it. You're on. 371 00:13:46,264 --> 00:13:47,397 You're gonna be great. 372 00:13:47,431 --> 00:13:50,233 Thanks. Steve, I'm really excited. 373 00:13:50,268 --> 00:13:51,868 [Chuckles] 374 00:13:51,903 --> 00:13:53,603 [Groans] Susan. 375 00:13:53,638 --> 00:13:55,906 Go ahead, mom. Take your best shot. 376 00:13:55,940 --> 00:13:57,908 Whatever you say, it's not gonna bother me. 377 00:13:57,942 --> 00:13:59,776 I'm still going out there. 378 00:13:59,810 --> 00:14:01,311 No shot, Susan. 379 00:14:01,345 --> 00:14:03,313 I just want to say 380 00:14:03,347 --> 00:14:06,316 something I should have said a long time ago. 381 00:14:06,350 --> 00:14:08,652 I support you, 382 00:14:08,686 --> 00:14:11,621 and I'm proud of you. 383 00:14:20,231 --> 00:14:24,768 And now for the comedy stylings of my sister, Susan! 384 00:14:24,802 --> 00:14:29,606 [Cheers and applause] 385 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:31,474 And Susan! 386 00:14:34,412 --> 00:14:35,912 What are you doing? You're on. 387 00:14:43,521 --> 00:14:47,357 What's the difference between Godzilla and my mom? 388 00:14:47,391 --> 00:14:51,661 Godzilla is a monster, and my mom... 389 00:14:51,696 --> 00:14:55,899 Is [voice breaking] a wonderful person. 390 00:14:58,336 --> 00:14:59,502 [Sobs] 391 00:14:59,537 --> 00:15:01,438 That's not your act, Susan, remember? 392 00:15:01,472 --> 00:15:02,839 Mom's a horrible person. 393 00:15:02,873 --> 00:15:04,174 [Chuckles nervously] A monster. 394 00:15:04,208 --> 00:15:05,575 How dare you? 395 00:15:05,610 --> 00:15:07,777 She's an angel. 396 00:15:07,812 --> 00:15:10,614 A beautiful, beautiful angel. 397 00:15:10,648 --> 00:15:11,881 All right! 398 00:15:11,916 --> 00:15:13,350 How about it for the hip and ironic comedy 399 00:15:13,384 --> 00:15:14,718 of my sister, Susan? 400 00:15:14,752 --> 00:15:16,720 [Light applause] 401 00:15:18,322 --> 00:15:19,723 Hey! Put us on! 402 00:15:19,757 --> 00:15:20,724 Hurry up! 403 00:15:20,758 --> 00:15:22,325 You need bobo belinski! 404 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,441 Let's go! 405 00:15:24,528 --> 00:15:28,632 [Flatly] And now, for an act you'll truly never forget, 406 00:15:28,666 --> 00:15:32,369 ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bobo Belinski. 407 00:15:32,403 --> 00:15:34,404 [Cheers and applause] 408 00:15:37,241 --> 00:15:40,744 Welcome to open-mike night at Sullivan and son! 409 00:15:40,778 --> 00:15:43,780 [Cheers and applause] Ho! 410 00:15:45,249 --> 00:15:46,483 Ooh! There's some popcorn. 411 00:15:46,517 --> 00:15:48,752 I love popcorn. 412 00:15:50,287 --> 00:15:52,522 Not... not that much! 413 00:15:52,556 --> 00:15:54,557 Not... not that much. Stop. 414 00:15:54,592 --> 00:15:56,926 Stop. Stop. 415 00:15:56,961 --> 00:15:59,929 No mo... no more popcorn! 416 00:16:02,733 --> 00:16:04,434 Thank you. 417 00:16:04,468 --> 00:16:06,436 [Chuckles] Really? 418 00:16:06,470 --> 00:16:10,440 And we hope that you've enjoyed seeing Mr. Bobo Belinski 419 00:16:10,474 --> 00:16:12,242 come and visit you all. 420 00:16:13,878 --> 00:16:15,712 No. No! 421 00:16:15,746 --> 00:16:17,313 No! 422 00:16:17,348 --> 00:16:19,249 My doctor said I'm not supposed to have pie! 423 00:16:19,283 --> 00:16:20,717 Stop! No! 424 00:16:21,752 --> 00:16:23,219 No! Stop! 425 00:16:24,255 --> 00:16:25,588 Blood sugar, man! 426 00:16:25,623 --> 00:16:26,723 What are you doing? You're showing your hands. 427 00:16:26,757 --> 00:16:27,957 You're ruining the illusion! 428 00:16:27,992 --> 00:16:29,672 I don't give a shit! You're gonna kill me! 429 00:16:30,294 --> 00:16:31,494 Blood sugar! 430 00:16:31,529 --> 00:16:33,763 [Cheers and applause] 431 00:16:35,633 --> 00:16:37,801 Okay. I think I'm gonna take off. 432 00:16:37,835 --> 00:16:39,769 Bye, sis. 433 00:16:39,804 --> 00:16:40,804 Nice meeting you, Owen. 434 00:16:40,838 --> 00:16:42,472 Uh, you, too. 435 00:16:42,506 --> 00:16:44,974 And you keep plowing my sister like an amish farmer. 436 00:16:45,009 --> 00:16:47,644 She's making us all breakfast thanks to you. 437 00:16:50,448 --> 00:16:52,649 You tell your brother about our sex life? 438 00:16:52,683 --> 00:16:53,650 That's messed up. 439 00:16:53,684 --> 00:16:55,351 He's my brother. 440 00:16:55,386 --> 00:16:57,420 What else are we gonna talk about on Sunday-night dinner? 441 00:16:57,455 --> 00:16:58,888 It's just weird. 442 00:16:58,923 --> 00:17:01,157 Now I can't get the image out of my head. 443 00:17:01,192 --> 00:17:03,293 Well, excuse me for being close to my brother. 444 00:17:03,327 --> 00:17:05,562 Well, excuse me for being close with my mom. 445 00:17:05,596 --> 00:17:08,198 You know what? I'm... I'm not feeling this. 446 00:17:08,232 --> 00:17:09,899 There's something else I got to do. 447 00:17:09,934 --> 00:17:11,668 [Gasps] Where are you going? 448 00:17:12,670 --> 00:17:14,370 To the movies. 449 00:17:14,405 --> 00:17:17,373 Ready to save the galaxy, Mr. Spock? 450 00:17:17,408 --> 00:17:20,610 I was hoping you'd change your mind, captain. 451 00:17:20,644 --> 00:17:23,346 Steve, we want to do our act. 452 00:17:23,380 --> 00:17:24,914 Great. Just what I need. 453 00:17:24,949 --> 00:17:26,583 Don't worry. It's a scene from "Star Trek." 454 00:17:26,617 --> 00:17:27,851 It's between two guys. 455 00:17:27,885 --> 00:17:29,185 You won't have a problem with any of it. 456 00:17:29,220 --> 00:17:31,187 Fine. What have I got to lose? 457 00:17:31,222 --> 00:17:33,189 Thanks. You won't regret it. 458 00:17:33,224 --> 00:17:34,591 And goodbye, Pittsburgh Reader. 459 00:17:34,625 --> 00:17:35,759 [Sighs] 460 00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:37,594 And now for an act 461 00:17:37,628 --> 00:17:40,196 that's truly... Out of this world. 462 00:17:40,231 --> 00:17:42,732 Ladies and gentlemen, Carol and Owen! 463 00:17:42,767 --> 00:17:45,368 [Cheers and applause] 464 00:17:45,402 --> 00:17:47,522 [Dramatic Sci-Fi music plays on stereo] 465 00:17:51,509 --> 00:17:53,777 Spock! You're hurt. 466 00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:55,645 [Deep voice] A mere flesh wound, captain. 467 00:17:55,679 --> 00:17:59,249 But more importantly, is the enterprise safe? 468 00:18:00,684 --> 00:18:02,485 It is. 469 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:04,454 Don't worry, captain. 470 00:18:04,488 --> 00:18:05,555 It's logical. 471 00:18:05,589 --> 00:18:08,324 Spock, stay with me. 472 00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:12,495 I am, and will always be, your friend, 473 00:18:12,530 --> 00:18:15,198 your loyal, faithful friend. 474 00:18:15,232 --> 00:18:16,432 [Music continues] 475 00:18:16,467 --> 00:18:17,834 Live long... 476 00:18:17,868 --> 00:18:19,502 And... 477 00:18:19,537 --> 00:18:21,738 Prosper. 478 00:18:37,755 --> 00:18:39,823 And scene. 479 00:18:41,425 --> 00:18:42,458 [Cheers and applause] 480 00:18:42,493 --> 00:18:44,427 That was fantastic! 481 00:18:48,232 --> 00:18:50,667 Bravo! That was brilliant. 482 00:18:50,701 --> 00:18:53,203 Finally, someone exposes "Star Trek" 483 00:18:53,237 --> 00:18:55,471 for the homoerotic opus that it is. 484 00:18:55,506 --> 00:18:56,539 What are your names? 485 00:18:56,574 --> 00:18:57,774 I got to put you in the magazine. 486 00:18:57,808 --> 00:18:59,275 Uh, Carol and Owen Walsh. 487 00:18:59,310 --> 00:19:00,610 Ah. Husband and wife? 488 00:19:00,644 --> 00:19:02,278 Mother and son. 489 00:19:02,313 --> 00:19:04,180 Oh. 490 00:19:05,583 --> 00:19:06,983 Gluten-free beer coming back up. 491 00:19:15,218 --> 00:19:17,219 Mom, why did you hug me? 492 00:19:17,253 --> 00:19:19,354 I was just trying to be supportive. 493 00:19:19,388 --> 00:19:21,923 Well, maybe we should try it again. 494 00:19:21,958 --> 00:19:23,091 Ah. 495 00:19:23,126 --> 00:19:25,026 Or we could do this. 496 00:19:27,530 --> 00:19:30,966 It's an oldie but goodie. 497 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,468 Well, I just came to say goodbye. 498 00:19:33,503 --> 00:19:34,970 Yeah, I guess we're over. 499 00:19:35,004 --> 00:19:37,038 I'm sorry I couldn't handle your mom. 500 00:19:37,073 --> 00:19:38,173 Sorry I couldn't handle your brother. 501 00:19:38,207 --> 00:19:39,574 But I love how honest you were. 502 00:19:39,609 --> 00:19:41,309 I loved how honest you were. 503 00:19:41,344 --> 00:19:43,912 You know, there's something kind of attractive about honesty. 504 00:19:43,946 --> 00:19:45,147 Yeah. I've never really been 505 00:19:45,181 --> 00:19:46,515 in an honest relationship before. 506 00:19:46,549 --> 00:19:48,083 Huh. It's kind of hot. Really hot. 507 00:19:48,117 --> 00:19:49,918 Are you as turned on as I am right now? 508 00:19:49,952 --> 00:19:51,353 I love breakup sex. 509 00:19:54,590 --> 00:19:56,191 Oh, God. 510 00:19:56,225 --> 00:19:58,393 Look at this review by the Pittsburgh Reader. 511 00:19:58,427 --> 00:20:00,395 "How do you turn a nice night out 512 00:20:00,429 --> 00:20:01,630 "into a nightmare? 513 00:20:01,664 --> 00:20:03,999 "Stop by Sullivan and son. 514 00:20:04,033 --> 00:20:06,668 "They set the bar low, and then they lower it. 515 00:20:06,702 --> 00:20:11,006 It's a bar filled with freaks, racists, and losers." 516 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,107 [Sighs] 517 00:20:13,376 --> 00:20:17,245 We made the Pittsburgh Reader! 518 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,481 [All cheering] 519 00:20:19,515 --> 00:20:20,982 They may be happy, 520 00:20:21,017 --> 00:20:23,351 but this bar is still not a success. 521 00:20:23,386 --> 00:20:24,719 You may not think so, 522 00:20:24,754 --> 00:20:26,621 but there are different ways to define success. 523 00:20:26,656 --> 00:20:28,723 Thanks to you, 524 00:20:28,758 --> 00:20:31,359 all these people have a place to go, 525 00:20:31,394 --> 00:20:33,662 a home. 526 00:20:33,696 --> 00:20:37,365 Hey, everybody, raise your glasses. 527 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:38,700 Next round's on the house. 528 00:20:38,734 --> 00:20:40,969 [Bar patrons cheer] 529 00:20:41,003 --> 00:20:42,304 When I clap my hands, 530 00:20:42,338 --> 00:20:45,140 you will no longer be under my spell. 531 00:20:45,174 --> 00:20:48,009 One, two, three. 532 00:20:50,112 --> 00:20:51,379 Hank, it worked. 533 00:20:51,414 --> 00:20:53,114 [Both chuckle] 534 00:20:55,418 --> 00:20:59,354 Supremo blanco strikes again!